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****************************************************************************** LOOK! Disclaimers Here!Everyone mentioned in the story is the property of someone official at Ten Thirteen Productions and I don't have any business writing about them without permission. The story hasn't been posted to any list and I ask you not to archive it anywhere. All characters are the property of Fox Television and Ten Thirteen productions. This story involves implied m/m sex - specifically Mulder/Skinner. But then, I imagine you knew that or you wouldn't be here. If this surprised you, you'd better go away now. Additional Warning! This story is completely pointless. Nothing happens. You have been warned and I don't want to hear about it in the future. Ethan and another friend told me I needed to include it on my page. The point is, it was never intended to be thrown to the wolves as a complete story, so be kind. Author: AnneZo @ fastmail . fm ****************************************************************************** CALL WAITING The phone rang and then there was the click of the connection being completed. "Mulder." "Where are you?" "Home." A warm voice trickled down the phone line. "Alone?" "Well, I do have six naked erotic dancers in the bathroom. Where are you?" "At work. Actually, right now, I'm hiding in my office. What are they doing in your bathroom?" "Hiding? What's wrong?" "Nothing to worry about. Unless you consider the possibility of my being picked to death by bean-counters worth an investigation." Mulder relaxed. "Well, if your naked body turns up floating in the river tomorrow, at least I'll know where to start." "I'm sure I'll find that comforting during my last moments. Which you, presumably, will be spending with those six dancers you still haven't explained." "We're just good friends. You should go ahead and start the paperwork tonight. Make sure I get the assignment. We wouldn't want your naked death misclassified as rampant Soviet aggression." "They're too busy trying to figure out how to make vodka out of missiles to be rampantly aggressive any more." "I'm not." "What? Rampant, or aggressive?" "Too busy, I mean. Take your pick. When are you going to be here?" "I'm not." It was an apology. "Why not? Tell them there's an emergency." "You want me to lie to the Bureau?" "Why not? Everyone else does. I can offer edible underwear if that would sway your decision." "What?" "Yeah. Strawberry and banana. Tell them it's an urgent personal matter that has to be dealt with immediately. That's true. I'm feeling urgently in need of some rampant aggression." "You know I can't do that. Besides, it's your own fault." "My fault? How is it my fault?" "Your expenses are one of the main items on their list." "Hey, I have receipts for everything!" "I know you do. That's not what they're questioning. It's more *what* your receipts say that worries them. $450 for *computer hacking* from an anonymous source?" "That's legitimate. If we hadn't gotten into that guy's computer system, we couldn't have traced the letters and found out he was the one pouring chemicals into the building's ventilation system." "$450? Why couldn't you use the Bureau's computer resources?" "Too much red tape. We needed the records then, not in six weeks. What's the problem? I got a receipt." "It's typewritten." "So?" "On Bureau notepaper. Even the signature is typed. You got *hacker* right, but you misspelled *anonymous.* "Hey, I didn't type it, he did. He's better at source codes than spelling." Let's hope so. Am I to assume you don't intend to provide a name to go with this receipt?" "You are. Is that all?" "No, that's not all." They're talking about launching a full-scale investigation of your expenses over the past three years." "Tell them to call you here when they're done. I'll see you in 30 minutes." "Very funny. If I have to spend the next six weeks explaining every weird expense you're turned in over the past three years..." "Why don't you come over here and tell me about it? Let me explain everything to you personally. I'll get the underwear out." "Where the hell did you get edible underwear? No, on second thought, I don't want to know." "A catalog. If you're not here in an hour, I'm returning it." "I didn't know edible underwear was returnable." "As long as there aren't any bite marks. Are you going to be here or not?" "The offer appeals to me. Unfortunately, I don't believe it would appeal to the committee." "What committee?" "The one in the other room, waiting for me." "The company's much better here. So is the view." " I've seen the view from your apartment. It's not worth crossing the street for." "Yeah, but the bathroom looks great tonight." "Then you won't miss me." "Hey!" "Yes? I have to get back to the committee." "Say something dirty." "What did you say?" "Say something dirty. Tell me you want my naked body on a bed of romaine lettuce, garnished with dill pickles. It will give me something to live for tonight." "Do you know many ways there are to listen in on a cellular phone conversation?" "Yeah, but we haven't used any names. Say it." "Absolutely not." "That's it." "What?" "They say when he starts *ignoring your little requests for affection* you know the honeymoon's over." "Who says?" "The magazine I was reading in the dentist's office yesterday. They were running behind schedule and I finished Field and Stream. I took a survey." "What were you doing in the dentist's office?" "Being told I'm perfect." "You don't go to the dentist often enough. If he knew you better, he wouldn't say that." "She." "Who?" "The dentist. It's a she. She had an aunt who was abducted by aliens." "You meet more weirdos in a week than most people meet in their lifetime." "I told her we'd look into it." "Not on company time, you won't." "You never know, this could be the big one." "Forget it. You're not going any where near her." "Him." "What?" "Her aunt had a sex-change operation. He's her uncle now." ...silence.... "Are you still there?" "I'm hanging up now." "Do you want my naked body or not?" "Not with dill pickles." "You're pretty choosy for a man who doesn't have six erotic dancers to fall back on." "You're pretty cocky for a man who's about to undergo a major investigation unless I manage to convince these people that you're crazy but honest. You should be thinking about that." "I'll give the subject my undivided attention. You can come over when you're done." "It's going to be late." "Is that your polite way of telling me you don't want to see me?" "No, It's my polite way of saying I'm going to be here half the night with these bastards. I'll call you later." "If a naked dancer answers, hang up." "How will I be able to tell?" "Use your imagination. That's what I do." **** The end. Not that there was a beginning or anything. |