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Disclaimer Stuff: I think it's pretty clear who I'm writing about here. I'm not sure if it's better or worse that there's no actual physical sex -- I'm pretty sure that Ten-Thirteen Productions would take a dim view of this story anyhow. And I'm sorry I dragged Frohicke and Scully into Mulder and Skinner's weird relationship.

Apology: I guess it's kind of a tribute to us on-line addicts. Or maybe I'm making fun of us all. Hard to tell, really. I'd better also apologize to the people at Pentium, the people who own the 'beanie baby' name, the people who run the Erotic Mind Control Archive, and whomever it was who spammed my mailbox with that weird electronic boyfriend ad.

Author: AnneZo @ fastmail.fm

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tubesteak: Who is this?

bare_ass: Don't you know?

tubesteak: You tell me.

bare_ass: Put that massive intelligence to work on the project.

tubesteak: ??

bare_ass: I get the feeling you've been approached a lot this evening. How
bare_ass: many other guys have you led down the electronic garden path
bare_ass: so far?

tubesteak: So you're male. That's a start.

bare_ass: You're as charming on-line as you are in person, aren't you?
bare_ass: In case you're in any doubt, that's not a compliment.

tubesteak: That statement can only have come from Agent Mulder, scourge of
tubesteak: the greater D.C. area and most of the Eastern Seaboard.

bare_ass: I aim to please.

tubesteak: Where in the hell are you?

bare_ass: That's the great thing about being on-line. It doesn't matter.
bare_ass: I could be anywhere.

tubesteak: And you are . . . where?

bare_ass: Pennsylvania, I think.

tubesteak: You think? Where is Agent Scully?

bare_ass: In her room, watching the Late Late Show. Why?
bare_ass: Afraid she's here peeking over my shoulder?

tubesteak: Not even you would be that stupid.

bare_ass: On the other hand, I could have half of the Mormon Tabernacle
bare_ass: Choir in here with me. You'd never know. But you were right the
bare_ass: first time. We'd better keep this little game a secret.

tubesteak: You're preaching discretion? That's a new tactic.

bare_ass: Not at all. I don't want you meeting tall, dark, and handsome
bare_ass: strangers on-line while I'm out putting my ass on the line for my
bare_ass: country.

bare_ass: How are you enjoying life on the internet so far?

tubesteak: I don't get it.

bare_ass: I expected that.

tubesteak: Agent Mulder, I've had internet access for the past two years. I
tubesteak: understand the concept of the internet.
tubesteak: What I don't understand it the purpose of going on-line under an

tubesteak: alias.

bare_ass: It's psychological. Supposed to free you from some of your
bare_ass: inhibitions.
bare_ass: Feeling anything yet?

tubesteak: I feel

bare_ass: What? Tell me. This could be an important breakthrough.

tubesteak: I feel like breaking your neck.

bare_ass: That's not exactly the inhibition I was hoping to free you from.

tubesteak: Remind me again, why did I let you set up this account for me?
tubesteak: And why did I let you choose the name?

bare_ass: I thought it suited you.

tubesteak: Tell me this doesn't mean what I know it means.

bare_ass: It was either that or love_muscle. It's supposed to
bare_ass: reveal your hidden personality, bring out a part of you that you
bare_ass: don't normally expose in your daily life.

tubesteak: If you think this defines my inner psyche, Agent Mulder, you're
tubesteak: sadly mistaken.

bare_ass: Hey! No real names! You have to use my handle when we're
bare_ass: on-line.

tubesteak: Exactly what is that stupid identity supposed to be revealing about
tubesteak: you?

bare_ass: Well, besides being an indicator of my emotional state of being, it's
bare_ass: a pretty good indicator of my physical condition right now.

tubesteak: I should have known.

bare_ass: True.

tubesteak: Well?

bare_ass: ??

tubesteak: Is this all there is to it?

bare_ass: You're resisting. As usual.

tubesteak: Resisting what?

bare_ass: The experience.

tubesteak: I am not resisting. In spite of the pornographic nature of the name
tubesteak: you stuck me with and in spite of your obviously obscene
tubesteak: intentions, I am here.

bare_ass: At least we have that established.

tubesteak: ??

bare_ass: At least we both understand the purpose of this experiment is to
bare_ass: arrive at an obscene conclusion.

tubesteak: My exact words were "in spite of" I have no intention of indulging
tubesteak: your aptitude for perverse sex via electronic mail

bare_ass: chat

tubesteak: ??

bare_ass: This is a chat program. It's isn't e-mail.

tubesteak: Don't be condescending Mulder. You know what I mean.

bare_ass: Two demerits.

tubesteak: ??

bare_ass: You used my name again. Actually, you used it three times, but
bare_ass: I'll give you the first one for free.

tubesteak: You're keeping score?

bare_ass: I'm trying to intorduce you to the concept.

tubesteak: What concept would that be?

bare_ass: The concept of anonymity.

tubesteak: You want to indulge in anonymous electronic sex.

bare_ass: Something tells me it's a fantasy doomed for failure.

tubesteak: I'm glad you understand that.

bare_ass: I seem to remember you promising you'd give it a decent chance.

tubesteak: I don't seem to remember you telling me the purpose of this entire
tubesteak: exercise was to exchange dirty and badly spelled remarks
tubesteak: electronically.

bare_ass: One lousy typo and I'm marked for life, is that it?

tubesteak: Face it. This is not an erotic environment.

bare_ass: It's good where I am. Want to hear about it?

tubesteak: No.

bare_ass: First, I turned off all of the lights except one small lamp over by
bare_ass: the bed. Then I took off my all of my clothes and pulled back the
bare_ass: bedspread.

tubesteak: I'm sure I said no.

bare_ass: I piled up the pillows and I'm leaning back against three of them.
bare_ass: The other one I have in front of me so I can put the computer on it.

tubesteak: Why didn't you just put it on your lap?

bare_ass: That damned plastic is COLD.

tubesteak: Which should have dampened your ardor somewhat.

bare_ass: Not noticeably.

tubesteak: Are you done?

bare_ass: We haven't even started.

tubesteak: You have no way of knowing if anyone is seeing this conversation
tubesteak: or not.

bare_ass: If you'll stop typing my real name, it won't matter.

tubesteak: I am not going to address you as bareass.

bare_ass: That's 'bare_ass'. Can I call you 'tubie' for short?

tubesteak: You're pushing your luck. Again.

bare_ass: Fortunately I'm blessed with an ample supply. As well as patience.

tubesteak: Patience?

bare_ass: Being your lover isn't all moonlight and roses. There seems to be a
bare_ass: generous distribution of thorns on a regular basis.

tubesteak: Electronic whining? A new talent.

bare_ass: You've got about ten seconds to jump in and play along before I
bare_ass: shut this thing down and go back to the movie I was watching.

tubesteak: I have no idea what you expect from me.

bare_ass: Use that atrophied imagination of your. Hold on for a second.
bare_ass: There. Is that better?

tubesteak: What? I don't see anything different.

bare_ass: I turned on some mood music.

tubesteak: How was I supposed to know that?

bare_ass: I told you. You're supposed to use your imagination.

tubesteak: How was I supposed to know to imagine music?
tubesteak: Why not imagine your ordering a pizza?
tubesteak: What was my clue?

bare_ass: You may have a point. I'll try to be less subtle from now on.
bare_ass: ::::: <-- When I use these, they signify an action.
bare_ass: That way you'll know what I'm doing.

tubesteak: I don't think I want to know what you're doing.

bare_ass: :::you smell peaches:::

tubesteak: Why?

bare_ass: Remember that peach-scented massage oil I picked up in
bare_ass: Vegas? I've been saving it for a special occasion.

tubesteak: You travel with massage oil?

bare_ass: You're starting to piss me off, Walter.

tubesteak: What happened to no real names?

bare_ass: I don't think it matters. We haven't said anything that couldn't be
bare_ass: shown on Disney during the family hour.

tubesteak: No thanks to you.

bare_ass: I'm glad you appreciate my efforts on your behalf. Want to hear
bare_ass: a joke?

tubesteak: I doubt it.

bare_ass: You may have to think about this one a little bit...

tubesteak: I've never known you to go in for intellectual humor.

bare_ass: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The Chicken
bare_ass: is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its
bare_ass: face. The egg is frowning and looking annoyed.

 tubesteak: Well?

bare_ass: The egg says, "I guess we answered THAT question."

tubesteak: I wish we were talking on the phone.

bare_ass: Why? Didn't you get it?

tubesteak: So I could hang up on you.

bare_ass: You got it. :-)

tubesteak: Clumsy.

bare_ass: No. It's called an emoticon. Look at it sideways.

tubesteak: It's still punctuation.

bare_ass: It's a smiley face. You can say almost anything with them.
bare_ass: Look at this. {;-)

tubesteak: And?

bare_ass: That's me, winking at you.
bare_ass: Check out this one. (:-(

tubesteak: Very clever.

bare_ass: That's you. Notice it's bald?

tubesteak: Yes, I noticed.

bare_ass: Notice it wasn't smiling?

tubesteak: I wonder why not.

bare_ass: I've never met anyone who could type pissed off before.
bare_ass: I mean, I can tell by the way the words show up on screen.

tubesteak: on-screen

bare_ass: ??

tubesteak: Either use "on the screen" or hyphenate it as on-screen.

bare_ass: I see. That explains a lot.

tubesteak: And your theory is.....

bare_ass: I set your computer up with a cool handle and some of the hottest
bare_ass: software on the net today. What have you been doing? I'll tell
bare_ass: you what you've been doing. You've been surfing the Dictionary
bare_ass: of Style. I completely wasted six hours of my own, personal time.

tubesteak: I didn't realize you had something more important to do.

bare_ass: We could have been having sex.

tubesteak: We did. Frequently. As I recall.

bare_ass: If I bring you a copy of a really cool poker game Frohicke gave me
bare_ass: can we do it again?

tubesteak: I'm not accepting pirated software from that little weasel.

bare_ass: What makes you think it's pirated?

tubesteak: Who did you say gave it to you?

bare_ass: Okay, bad idea.

tubesteak: Can we return to the place in the conversation where I was bored?

bare_ass: Bored? Why? I'm telling you jokes. I offered you black market
bare_ass: software. I took my pants off. Jesus, Walter, you make a tough
bare_ass: audience.

tubesteak: It's a reflection of just how bored I am that the most interesting
tubesteak: thing you've brought up was the idea of the cold computer sitting

tubesteak: on your bare dick.

bare_ass: heh heh heh You said dick.

tubesteak: What are you supposed to be now?

bare_ass: Forget it. Let's get back to my dick.

tubesteak: Shall I leave the two of you alone together?

bare_ass: That does it. I'm going virtual.

tubesteak: ??

bare_ass: The solution to all my problems. Showed up in my
bare_ass: mail today.

tubesteak: I presume you had the box x-rayed before you opened it?

bare_ass: Electronic mail. Look at this -
bare_ass: The Virtual Boyfriend is an artificial intelligence
bare_ass: program. You can look at him, talk to him, ask him questions.
bare_ass: Watch him as you ask him to take off different clothes
bare_ass: and guide him through many different activities.

tubesteak: You can stop any time now.

bare_ass: Here's the good part -
bare_ass: Watch and join in the hottest sexual activities possible
bare_ass: on a computer, including various sexual positions, using
bare_ass: fun and unique toys, even bringing in additional partners.
bare_ass: What do you think?

tubesteak: You don't want to know.

bare_ass: Says it takes VGA digital graphics, and a Soundblaster.
bare_ass: Aren't we due to get our laptops upgraded soon?

tubesteak: Except for yours.

bare_ass: Come on, Walter. "many unique toys" Think of it as
bare_ass: research.

tubesteak: I don't think the government has enough money to fund
tubesteak: your research into perverse sexual activities.

bare_ass: Hey, it's work related!

tubesteak: In what way? This had better not involve me or my job.

bare_ass: Not at all. It's just a matter of time before we're called in to
bare_ass: investigate something like this. Just think of how impressive it
bare_ass: would be if I knew all about it before I even arrived on the case.

tubesteak: I have too much respect for Agent Scully to let you parade around
tubesteak: as a self-advertised pornography guru.

bare_ass: What does Scully have to do with it?

tubesteak: Everyone knows she works with you. That's already one strike
tubesteak: against her.

bare_ass: I hate the parts of these conversations where you start insinuating
bare_ass: that I'm some kind of hopeless degenerate.

tubesteak: Degenerate, yet. I don't know about hopeless. I have occasional
tubesteak: illusions of reforming you.

bare_ass: I think we're getting too far from the purpose of this exercise.

tubesteak: I think you'd better go have some breakfast and get to work.

bare_ass: You haven't heard the end of this, Walter.

tubesteak: I don't doubt that for a moment.

bare_ass: Try to have a good day. In spite of yourself.

tubesteak: At least I have something special to carry through the day with me
tubesteak: for a change.

bare_ass: I told you it was a good joke.

tubesteak: I was thinking of you sitting there with the Pentium logo embossed
tubesteak: on your bare dick.

 bare_ass: I believe in truth in advertising.

tubesteak: If you did, you'd be wearing a beanie baby tag.

bare_ass: That was low, Walter.

tubesteak: You have three days to think of something for revenge.

bare_ass: I won't need that long. Log on tonight, 9:15, okay?

tubesteak: I'll give it some thought. If there isn't a game on.

bare_ass: The game's here, Walter. Trust me on this one.

tubesteak: Very well. You have fifteen hours to come up with something.

bare_ass: While I'm thinking, I'm going to fill out the Virtual Boyfriend
bare_ass: application. Hey - do you think Scully would like one of her own?

tubesteak: You'd have to ask Agent Scully that herself.

bare_ass: I think I'll get it for her for her birthday.

tubesteak: Go to work, Agent Mulder.

bare_ass: Soon, Walter. Very soon. Someone gave me the URL for an
bare_ass: Erotic Mind Control Archive. I'd better check it out. Later . . . .

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The End