"Special Agent Fox Mulder."

"That's pretentious. Who are you trying to impress?"

"You. I'm still hoping to get that big promotion."

"Are you alone?"

"That depends. What answer will get me the best response?"

"Do you want me to hang up, already?"

"I'm alone. Is something wrong, or did you just call up to brighten my existence?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Then it must be Door Number 2. Go ahead, I'm listening."

"For what?"

"I'd assumed this was an obscene phone call."

"I've warned you about that before, Agent Mulder. Besides..."

"If you're going to tell me real men don't have phone sex, I have a news flash for you. They do. In fact, 86% of all phone sex offenders are male."

"86%?"

"Yeah. It was 99% before women's lib hit. You have to love that equal opportunity thing. I live for the day the heavy breather on the other end of the line is a sultry blonde with a Swedish accent."

"If you're expecting a reaction, you're in for a long wait. Your perversions aren't a surprise any longer."

"Ahhh . . . you missed me. Admit it."

"As a matter of fact, I didn't. I'm thinking about replacing you."

"I'm going to assume this is a desperate bid for attention. Take off all your clothes and I'll say something reassuring."

"A case came up a couple of days ago. An elderly couple filed a report with the local police, claiming that aliens had abducted their cats."

"You're kidding. That's a case?"

"They raised purebred Manx. Apparently rather rare and expensive. The damage was estimated at over $10,000."

"I still don't get it."

"They said a flying saucer landed in the back garden at midnight, the aliens used some kind of laser to cut through the screen door, then lured the cats outside with extraterrestrial music. They called us when the local police didn't believe their story."

"You seem to be well-versed on the details."

"I knew you'd want to know."

"So, does this story have a happy ending?"

"Not really. The agent assigned to the case found out they had filed a claim with their insurance company even before they called the police. The bodies were located, buried in a nearby vacant lot."

"Not that I'm not fascinated by anything you want to discuss, Walter, but what does that have to do with me? And that replacement you mentioned? I assume these events are related?"

"They are. Your replacement, on the case, did an excellent job. He was prompt, thorough, and his report was spell-checked."

"Forgetting to spell-check my reports is hardly sufficient reason to terminate our relationship. I assume this geek has some other special qualities you thought I might be interested in?"

"Geek, Agent Mulder? I hardly think that's a rational deduction. Wait until you meet him."

"Which will be, presumably, on the doorstep to your apartment that fateful night we both decide to surprise you at the same moment?"

"Well, he hasn't offered to come home and polish my shoes for me yet, but I can tell he's going there. The boy seems to understand the advantages of a little discipline."

"All that and kinky sex too? I guess I don't have to worry about hurrying home, do I?"

"I'm not losing much sleep over your absence."

"What an asshole. This had better be your fevered imagination, Walter. What's this fantasy's name?"

"Jackson White."

"You must be kidding."

"No. Do you two know each other?"

"Yes. About an hour after we met, the guy was trying to get his hand inside my pants in the men's room at Quantico. I'm delighted to be the one to tell you that Wonderboy is a slut."

"Not at all. As I said, he seems to understand the advantages of discipline. I'm certain incidents like are a thing of the past. Why the hell didn't you tell me about this when it happened?"

"Maybe I was afraid you'd react this way."

"What way?"

"With enthusiasm. I had a feeling you liked the type."

"It must be nice to be right so often."

"What's this discipline motif? Don't tell me you actually ordered that leather bikini I marked for you? Or, was it the chaps? And, now the smell of black leather is going to your head, right? I should have known better than to leave you on your own for a few days."

"There's more to the concept of discipline than black leather underwear, Agent Mulder."

"Yeah, but that's the best part. So, what else has this paragon been doing that's so impressive?"

"What else does he have to do? He's respectful, attentive, and enthusiastic. The Bureau needs more employees like him."

"Define 'attentive', Walter."

"Attentive, Agent Mulder. He listens when I talk to him. He agrees with me. He solicits my opinion. He waits for me after work and walks me to my car."

"*What?*"

"It sounds a little peculiar, I admit."

"Does he carry your schoolbooks for you too?"

"He's been assigned to me, Mulder. Officially."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It's a new Bureau procedure for management fast-trackers. Likely agents are assigned to managers for mentoring. We've been working together very closely."

"This is an outrage. My tax dollars being spent to allow some horny intern to wave his ass in your face all day?"

"He's not an intern. He's a fully qualified agent. And a very attractive one."

"He's a fucking loser. So, how far has this *mentoring* process gone?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is he just passing you notes in class or are you up to heavy petting yet?"

"Agent Mulder, my relationship with Agent White is purely professional."

"Don't pull that shit with me, Walter. I know the affect that parking garage has on you."

"He smiles a lot. That guy has more teeth than the entire Osmond family. Which wouldn't be the case if I'd heard about your encounter before."

"Don't try to change the subject. What else has he done?"

"He seems to have a lot of admiration for you. Which seems more logical now that I know the two of you have a history together."

"We don't have a history."

"That remains to be seen. How far into your pants did he get? And, did you stop him, or did someone walk in?"

"You're still trying to change the subject. That's ancient history."

"Not from where he's standing."

"What do you mean?"

"He's expressed interest in being allowed to work with you. Part of this process is assigning him to work with different teams within my section, so he can get experience in field work."

"I knew it. The guy's a loser. He's been out of the Academy for a year and he still hasn't had a case, has he?"

"He had one just this week."

"*My* case, don't forget!"

"You didn't feel that way about it a few minutes ago."

"I can't believe you'd fall for this guy's clumsy moves, Walter. I expected more sophistication from you."

"Well, consider the company I keep."

"That was low. Besides, if I were there, keeping you company, that dipshit wouldn't have gotten within fifty feet of you." style='font-size: 10.0pt'>

"How very alpha of you. I thought you didn't approve of macho displays?"

"Don't be irrelevant. I assume you'll be sending him off to the Nome office? Or Fargo? I understand the Dakotas are very unpleasant this time of year."

"Not at all. I told you, he was assigned to me through a Bureau program. We'll both be waiting for you when you get back."

"If you're waiting in the same bed, there's going to be trouble."

"You'd prefer a private reunion? I can understand that. You've probably been wanting to recreate that bathroom incident for weeks. Or, is it months?"

"I can't believe you called me in the middle of a case to tell me you want to dump me for that walking piece of cheese. What are you trying to do, get me shot?"

"Which reminds me, I heard from Scully today."

"You *are* Mr. Popularity right now, aren't you? If you tell me she wants your body, I'll know you're lying."

"She said the case doesn't have anything to do with the X-Files."

"It doesn't seem to, no."

"This is the second time you've left me alone for weeks for no good reason, Agent Mulder. I'm beginning to think you're trying to tell me something."

"What do you want from me, Walter? I can't walk off and leave a case in the middle just because there aren't any aliens on the scene. I've got this hard-assed boss who would probably send *me* to Fargo if I did."

"This strikes me as an inappropriate time to be offensive. You might consider being conciliatory for a change."

"You mean polite and respectful? Show a little discipline?"

"That would be good."

"No dice. If I did that, how would you be able to tell me and White apart?" style='font-size: 10.0pt'>

"I think I could manage. If the lights were on, anyhow."

"Don't do this to me, Walter. I'm six hundred miles away and I'm stuck in this one-shit town until at least the end of the week. Do you think you could manage to keep your pants on until I get back?"

"I'm still not hearing that respectful tone I was hoping for. However, in consideration of your past services, I think I can wait that long."

"I can't believe you're threatening me with a six-foot stud with a permanent erection and more hands than a marching band. You're a sick man Walter."

"And, blonde. Don't forget he's blonde. It's a nice change."

"I don't remember that. He probably dyed it."

"Actually, you're right. I have reason to know. But it's an interesting effect."

". . . I'm going to shoot someone. Would you care to expand on that?"

"Try some of that discipline, Agent Mulder. He was swimming at the gym. I saw him in the shower."

"And I can tell you made an effort not to stare."

"It was just a passing glance."

" I'm hating this."

"Remind me again, Agent Mulder. When will you and Scully have this case wrapped up?"

"Forty-eight hours. You can give me forty-eight hours, can't you Walter?"

"The clock is ticking."

"I can hear it. Sounds like a car bomb to me."

"Why don't you go get some sleep? You've got a lot of work cut out for you in the next forty-eight hours."

"Yes. And I want to thank you for adding unnecessary pressure to an already miserable case."

"That's what I'm here for, Mulder. To offer a little guidance, some direction, and the occasional dose of discipline."

"I don't know what I hate more at this moment. This case, or the idea that you're going to be spending the next two days with that sexually motorized Ken doll."

" Which reminds me that I have an early morning appointment with Agent White. I'd better get some sleep myself."

"That's true. A man your age probably needs extra rest before *mentoring* someone young enough to be his son."

"Thank you for your concern, Agent Mulder, but I've been doing extra workouts recently."

"I'll bet you have. And spending a lot of time in the steam room, no doubt?"

"I think you have more important things on your mind right now, Agent Mulder, than discussing my personal life."

"If I find out you've been *having* a personal life while I'm out of town, you're going to have bigger problems than Jackson White."

"We can discuss that when you return."

"Don't think we won't. Is it safe to assume that if I hang up now, you'll be spending the night alone?"

"I think so."

"You know, Walter, it would have been easier if you'd just taken your clothes off when I told you to."

"Now I can be certain you and Scully won't take time out for sightseeing on this case."

"You should talk about sightseeing. I think you should shower with your eyes closed for the next two days."

"I'll consider the suggestion."

"Do that."

****

The end