It's 8:12 a.m. and my day is already a mess.

Today, I'm going to be one of the Ladies Who Lunch. Gidget, Vela, and I are getting together late this afternoon to have a leisurely lunch and a long gossip. I had intended to wear my "interview suit" - not only to wow them, but to get their feedback on whether or not it was as fabulous a first impression as I think it is thought it was.*

Because! When I put it on and turned to admire my profile this morning, I saw Great Globs Of Fat rolling across my back under the jacket. Apparently, the fat fairy visited me last night and my torso expanded by a full size or more. (I tried this jacket on a few days ago and it seemed fine.)

I tried a thinner camisole underneath, thinking maybe the material was bunching, but no dice. Sadly, I do not possess a girdle**, so I hurried to the bedroom to rip the jacket off and put on a different one and at each step, the backs of my shoes ate the bottoms of my pant legs. Which makes no sense because the trousers are plenty long enough.

I put on a different jacket, realized it needed a different shirt underneath, changed that, realized I needed different jewelry, changed that, viewed the ensemble in the mirror, hated it, ripped off the blouse, put on a different one, it didn't go with the jacket and the shoes eating the pant legs were driving me mad, so I took it all off, put on a pair of old but comfy pants and a blouse. And I forgot to change my jewelry, which doesn't go with this outfit, and my shoes, because the heels are too high for this pair of pants, so I look kind of salad-tossed.

Sigh. I was Very Nearly Fabulous today.

Can I have a do-over?

Anyhow. After all of that, I think it's a triumph that I walked into the office only three minutes late. Now I'm sitting here, periodically reaching around to my back to feel those rolls of flab and thinking that I do need both a girdle and a diet.

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* I promise, if I hadn't swelled up like an overstuffed sausage overnight, that suit is gorgeous, especially the jacket which has a very flattering cut.

Although, the reason I wanted second opinions on it as an interview suit is because it's short-sleeved. The rules may have changed, but long sleeves and knee-length skirts or trousers*** used to be the rule for interview suits. Also, I'm uneasily aware that the WNTW bunch have a hate on for short-sleeved suits.

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** I'm not a big fan, though. I'm trying to imagine squashing myself into a girdle but common sense tells me that the fat has to go somewhere, so it will probably squish out the top and the bottom, which means the only solution is a full-body corset which means that by the time the fat oozes out above my head and below my feet I'll be four inches taller and then all my pants will be too short.

Or, you know, my feet will be a mile long and I'll have a mushroom-shaped poof on my head.

I freely admit that I don’t quite understand the theory of a girdle. In spite of the advertising, I know it can't make you actually thinner. Maybe it just smoothes out the bulges, making a slab of flab, instead of jelly rolls? That wouldn't make you look thinner, but it would make your clothes lay flat. Over the blubber. Ugh.

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*** Full-length, of course. The trousers. Not knee-length.