Warning: Not a cheerful post.

So, the whole gross incident is now safely behind me. I have no further symptoms and everything seems to be normal again.

Actually I felt a huge amount better by Wednesday, but I was still safely medicated and couldn't tell if I was actually better or just drugged to near-insensibility.

This, of course, means I have the leisure to worry about other things. There are two primary subjects on my mind today.

#1 - The Shadow

In the process of doing the CAT scan for the kidney stone on Tuesday, they found a "shadow" on my pancreas. They said it wasn't a good angle to figure out what it was and wanted me to see my regular doctor to have it checked out. I was procrastinating (what you don't know....) the subject until today. I called my regular doc and they sounded worried enough to get me into their office this afternoon. :-( I don't want people to be taking it that seriously, okay?

I guess that means another bout of drinking weird substances, waiting on them to work through my system, and then rolling in and out of the machine.

As someone unemployed and without healthcare* I'd prefer that all of this be not happening. Could anyone here arrange that for me?

And I'm having psychsomatic symptoms. I don't even know where my pancreas is but my subconscious has chosen an area of my torso and has been offering me symptoms for the last day or so. Nothing real. The most normal of things, like a hiccup, strike my brain as ominous.

(* I had Kaiser insurance at my last job. I still have the COBRA option but since none of my chosen healthcare professionals are Kaiser, I haven't been able to decide whether or not to sign up for it. Now that I've had Actual Medical Incidents, I don't even know if Kaiser would cover me.)

#2 - The Mother

Mom called today to report that she'd had "an incident" last night. Basically dizziness, pain, falling down, and being helpless. She called one of her sisters who took her to the ER where she waited an hour and a half and never got to see anyone. Eventually they took her home with them and she'll be staying there for a few days.

I hate the healthcare system where she lives. I don’t like her doctor who prescribes her meds she's supposed to know make my mom sick. I don't like an ER that can't get an elderly patient with stroke symptoms in for treatment. I don't like a 'specialist' who sees a serious circulation problem and schedules a treatment for two months later.

Anyhow. Once I get my "shadow" problem dealt with today (yes, I've decided it's something that can be dealt with in one day), I'm going to have to book a ticket to Missouri and plan to spend a couple of weeks there. If all goes as planned, I'll be leaving next Friday, so I'll be offline for a couple of weeks at that point.

At this point, I can't decide whether or not to worry about my mother because it stops me from obsessing about the Big C, or to worry about myself, because it stops me from obsessing about my mother.

Sorry to be such a downer today. I'd actually planned an entry on the joys of spring, of sunshine, the small but definite sense of triumph I feel from having planted flower seeds and seen them sprout, and my anticipation of a really good sushi lunch to celebrate my return to normality. Also I wanted to talk about ReGenesis and Veritas and a couple of books I've been reading. Sigh. I'll come back when I'm more cheerful.