Aarrgghh.

You know what drives me bonkers? My boss calling me at 8:28 in the morning to report that we have "phone problems" because I wasn't here when he called at 8:10 a.m. He dialed and it just rang, you see. No one answered. (Weird how that tends to happen when a company isn't open for business.)

He was also annoyed because he didn't get my voicemail. I could have pointed out that if he wants to get my voicemail, he needs to dial my line, and not the company's main number, but whatever.

He showed up at about noon today and said, "So, how's it all going?"

"I quit," I said.

I am very calm. Please understand that I am very calm.

Okay, I didn't really quit, but I threatened to go work in a cave that offers nothing more technologically advanced than a rock to carve messages on.

I am very calm. Communication is overrated.

A client sends two projects in two days, when they normally send one a week, each of which project normally requires 72-hour turnaround, and says do them both in 24 hours or we'll replace you?

I am calm. Of course I have no other work scheduled for this week and we can do things six times as fast as we normally do them, and still remain error-free, even if the client starts sending changes faster than we can code the original documents.

A client has been waiting 11 days for report results so that they can close a deal with a prospective client of their own, and there is no sign at all that we will ever be able to produce said results?

I am calm. They didn't want to sign that new account anyhow. Clients are a lot of work.

I send Bernie an urgent e-mail asking him to approve the tech's time to help work on the problem, and he fails to respond?

I am calm. We don't use this software program for almost every client we have or anything. And the server it lives on will certainly begin to function again, just like magic, the next time we do want it. In about two days.

I am asked to proofread Bernie's version of a survey against what the client asked for and find so many discrepancies that I can only assume Bernie lost his mind in the middle of the job and that the five hours I spent coding his version of the work is just a write-off?

I am calm. I had three hours to waste last week and two hours to waste yesterday. I have nothing better to do than to waste time coding stuff that turns out to be garbage because my boss is doing his job with about 10% of his brain.

Our e-mail has gone insane?

I am calm. Communication. Is overrated. If your clients cannot e-mail you, they cannot drive you insane.

Our internet access keeps going out, so that I cannot upload the data I need to upload in order to make the pushy client's two jobs happen in 24 hours?

I am calm. I hate clients.

I lock myself out of the office and I am, as so frequently happens, the only one here?

I am calm. It's a nice hallway. Quiet. Peaceful. No clients.

"I hate this place," I told Bernie. "I hate our clients and I hate everyone here."

"I'm with you," he said.

It's a good thing he stopped wigging out on a regular basis. I don't think I could have taken it.

Ommmmmmmmmm

Late Afternoon Update: It seems hard to believe that things could get weirder, but they are.