Okay, let's get the rules straight.

I think "reality" television is stupid and demeaning to both performers and viewers, so there's one category of show I won't be discussing, okay? Not even scary ripoffs of Court TV where the judge is allowed, even encouraged, to hand out weird, revenge-based punishments for the humiliation of the losers and the entertainment of the intellectually deficient viewers.

In addition to that, I probably won't be discussing any "shows" premiering on channels that originated as music video feeds. My tolerance for weirdness just isn't what it was when I was twenty.

Nor am I a fan of "family comedy." I have no spouse and no offspring and my interest in the antics of the same is limited in the extreme.

The first thing I notice is that the fall schedule is, once again, filled with rip-offs, knock-offs, and desperate attempts to duplicate tired or dying concepts. Which is convenient, because it gives me a way to categorize the fall offerings.

LOST

Okay, this year everyone wants to be spooky and other-worldly, built around a massive cast of problematic characters. Last year's mega-hit Lost sure has spawned some interesting knock-offs.

Invasion - From a Grisham novel that one network already tried, and failed, to adapt? Doesn't inspire confidence. Also, set around the disaster that happens after a hurricane? Bad timing.... But it's got Thomas Schlamme directing, which is very promising, not the least because the man has won nine Emmy awards! And he worked on West Wing before it was turned into soap opera schlock. I might give this a try.

Next up is Surface. Think Lost meets SeaQuest DSV, I guess. Looks dumb. Invasion by mysterious, spacefaring sea creatures? I find it hard to get thrilled.

OTOH, Threshold, which is Lost meets Navy NCIS-with-a-twist actually looks very intriguing. Also with Brent Spiner, as a kind of Mad Scientist. I think I'll be trying this one.

CSI

The R.C. would like to try Bones just to see what Boreanaz is like in a different role. The idea of yet another CSI knock-off makes me yawn but whatever.

Similarly, Criminal Minds is a yawner. FBI-meets-CSI. Mandy Patinkin? Adore the guy. All the talent in the world, but it won't be airing on my set.

And Killer Instinct is CSI-meets-X-Files-meets-L&O. With deviants.

LAW AND ORDER

Bruckheimer is a name one associates with "hit" television shows, although I can't remember if he's ever done anything but Law & Order, you know? Seems to me he's just been doing variations on Law & Order for the last twenty or thirty million years.

Count me out when it comes to "legal drama." For instance, the notion that the concept is suddenly all new and fresh again because, for instance, it's around a woman who recently spawned is incorrect.

Ditto for one of Bruckheimer's four other new series', The E-Ring, which is the one set in the Pentagon and purportedly about...can't remember. Defense, I guess. Or guys trying to get something done from within the cement confines of the military hierarchy. Or the awesome job being done by homeland security in these days of international terrorism. Something stupid like that. I like Benjamin Bratt, but no thanks.

Head Cases - It's Law and Order with mental illness.

Just Legal - Nash Bridges meets Law and Order. Old Crusty, Burned-Out Guy partners with Underage Naïve Idealistic Guy. Don Johnson and a beach. (Hmmm. I dunno.)

When I'm in charge of the world, anyone offering "entertainment" with plotlines advertised as being "Rrrripped! From the headlines!" will be killed. (Are you listening, Bruckheimer? That melodramatic, sensation-mongering approach turned an intelligent and balanced award-winning drama into cheap schlock. I hate you, and I don't care that you were just doing what you were hired to do.)

And, while we're talking about West Wing, let's just assume I won't be watching Commander In Chief, regardless of how I feel about the stars. In fact, I've been determined not to watch it since I read the blurb that explained that TPTB decided people wouldn't be interested in a female president as much as they'd be interested in how the job affected her husband and kids, indicating the show was going to revolve around her personal life. While later blurbs make it sound as though they didn't opt to go in that misogynistic direction, I'm still off the entire concept of the show. (I don't stay mad precisly, but I do hold a grudge.)

HA-HA

First it was Everybody Loves Raymond, which I never saw and know nothing about but I understand was a big hit. This year, TVGuide tapped Everybody Hates Chris as the hot new comedy. It's described as a sort of coming-of-age-in-a-ghetto story. But funny.

They also liked, How I Met Your Mother which is the story of, well, how a guy was single before he met, fell in love with, married, and had kids with his wife. Told in flashbacks. Okay, so it has Alyson Hannigan but still.

In Love, Inc., women who can't get dates or are getting divorced work in a dating bureau. Ha. Ha.

In My Name Is Earl, a small-time crook wins $100k in the lottery, but loses the ticket before he can collect. So he goes around doing good deeds in the hopes that karma or god or willy wonka or some other higher power will magically return the ticket to him. (I mock, but there's something oddly intriguing about this idea. I've never heard of anyone in it [Jason Lee, Jaime Pressly, Ethan Suplee, Nadine Velazquez, Eddie Steeples) but the idea has a certain comic merit.)

And, last but certainly not least, Inconceivable, which sounded stupid enough when I thought it was another X-Files rip-off, but it became brain-killingly stupid when I realize it's set in a...wait for it...fertility clinic! (Inconceivable. Get it? Get it? Ha! Ha! Ha!)

Wake me up when it's 2006.

MISC

The Ghost Whisperer is The Dead Zone meets Casper.

Hot Properties - Think Sex and the City for realtors. Then take an aspirin.

Sex, Love, and Secrets - It's Friends meets Peyton Place. With Eric Balfour, whom Hawaii fans are probably wanting to see again.

Night Stalker remake. Never saw the original, have no idea what it was about, but for some reason I find myself determined to give this remake a try. Could be the Frank Spotnitz connection. Spotnitz was responsible for so much that was fabulous about The X-Files that I think I just have to give this project a shot, in spite of how it promises to be really scary. Starring Stuart Townsend.

Out Of Practice. A whole family of physicians who don't get along. Stockard Channing, Henry Winkler, and acute boredom.

Related - Four sisters who are not alike. They laugh. They cry. They fight. They bond. I barf.

Reunion - is 24 meets The Big Chill.

Supernatural - Could you pick a less interesting, less evocative name for a series? This one pissed me off when I glanced through TVGuide. Two hot young hunks...I thought I was in SlashHeaven (although characters 10 years older would have been good), but then they turned out to be brothers. Two brothers travel around in an old car, fighting supernatural evil. Buffy the Vampire Slayer meets The 4400 or something. Buddy bonding, fighting evil, searching for their missing father...I don't know. It could work. Take a look and let me know what you think. (And check out today's front page for a big picture of the guys.)

Otherwise In Development

Eureka - The Science Fiction Channel is still trying to figure out how to make television. This times it's a pilot about a Sekrit Government Plot to gather up the world's geniuses and create a sort of community-based think tank or...I don't know. Stars Colin Ferguson as a Federal Marshall who Stumbles Onto The Plot. A pilot has been ordered.

Also, Painkiller Jane, a female superhero with Amazing Self-Healing Powers! Which redefines the concept of, "lame."

Over at Comedy Central, Gay Robot in under development. It's all about a university, an experimental robot, booze, and a power surge. Voila! Gay robot in a fraternity. Okay...it's pretty stupid, as concepts go, but I'm already giggling, so if it makes it on-screen, I'll have to take a chance.

The Hunters - Think True Lies meets Spy Kids or something.

USA ordered a pilot for Psyche. Stars Dule Hill of West Wing fame with James Roday. Roday claims to be a psychic after his amateur sleuthing gets him suspecting of Knowing Too Much To Be Innocent by the local authorities. Dramedy. If this one makes it to the screen, I'll probably give it a try.

And Kyle XY might be worth taking a chance on, for younger viewers. Mysterious teen boy, knows nothing about the world around him, taken in by a suburban family. Joe Black Meets The Wonder Years?

From the WB, we have a pilot ordered for Tribe. The "drama tracks five twentysomething cops - all branded rejects by their respective precincts - who come together as part of a new undercover unit of the l.a.p.d. Something about this one says, "/potential/" to me.

And then there's Filthy Gorgeous, a show about a New York whorehouse escort service, which would have won my vote for "stupidest idea yet" if it wasn't for the next entry.

Scarlett, which has nothing to do with Gone With the Wind but is about New Orleans and a supernatural story about dead people coming back to life. Gong! (One assumes this has already been cancelled.) (Actually, Recent Events make this idea bad. It wouldn't have been in such bad taste 30 days ago.)

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Disclaimers: All information courtesy of The Futon Critic.

All rudeness courtesy of me. As usual.