A Dedicated Reader searches for Tan-lightenment.

Anne, you said in your blog that you fake-tanned. What product do you use? Is it difficult to apply without streaking? Etc.

No, Gentle Reader, it isn't really difficult to apply the crème without streaking. It does, however, take a certain amount of practice.

In our hurly-burly lives today, we all-too often approach our grooming rituals with a hurry-up, slap-dash attitude. (This, you may recall, was the cause of the Great Eyebrow Debacle reported by Barefaced In Buffalo.) (See: archives, 2004).

One cannot simply take a handful of crème (or, brow, as the case may be), and slap it around carelessly.

Treat your body as a soufflé, not as sandstone.

Begin by creating your palette. Exfoliate, my dears! Exfoliate! Buff those heels, and tidy those toes! You must create a satin-smooth surface!

(AskAnne recommends toenail polish. Not only does it give you that giggly, girly feeling, but it protects those vulnerable nails from the dyes in the tanning cream. Try a pale pink, or beige, according to your preferences and skin tone. A lighter color on the nail will make the surrounding skin appear darker.)

Next, choose your product wisely. There are crèmes that work well but that have a distinct aroma. Some of us find this unpleasant. YMMV

There are sprays that are equally effective and have a more pleasant aroma but are more difficult to work with.

(Always,, my dears, always read the labels and follow any allergy-testing recommendations.)

Last year, AskAnne relied upon a (Coppertone?) cream, liking the forgiving nature of the mixture. A superficial color began to appear in about an hour and any little errors of blending could be repaired with a bit of damp tissue. However, the aroma was rather distinct.

This year, experimentation with a similar cream from Neutrogena provided a similarly forgiving compound but with noticeably less odor. Still an odor, but less odor.

Most recently, AskAnne experimented with a "micro-mist spray" from Sally Hansen. The fragrance was light, almost perfume-like and the spray was, indeed, a "micro-mist." Unfortunately, AskAnne found the light mist more difficult to blend properly, nor did it offer the "forgive and fix" feature of the cream. She will have to make a second attempt this evening.

(AskAnne's previous experience with cream relied upon being able to see the thickness as one smoothed it into the skin. The spray relied much more upon paying attention to how much you'd sprayed where and, well, AskAnne isn't actually famed for paying attention to what she's doing, is she?)

To begin: Take off your shorts. If you want to tan your legs so that you can wear the shorts out in public, you need to be bronzed to above the hem of the shorts. Also remove your shirt, unless it's "cropped" above your thighs. This protects the fabric from "transference" or, as some say, smearing the stuff everywhere.

Start with clean, smooth, very slightly damp skin. (The moisture on your skin helps you achieve even coverage with the cream.

Begin with one leg. Pour an ample amount of cream into your hand and smooth it from ankle to knee of one leg. (AskAnne recommends using only one hand. This allows you to pay more attention to how much crème you've spread in each spot.) Work your way around the calf, covering the ankle and knee only lightly. Don't neglect your feet or your toes. Spread a light coat all around the calf (this helps eliminate skippage), and then rub the liquid in, the way you would rub in lotion.

Now you have a choice. You can either move to the other calf, making a mental note of where you "stopped" on the first leg, or you can go ahead and do the rest of the first leg. AskAnne mentions this because, once you've done that first thigh, leaning over to reach the foot, ankle, and calf of the second leg, without smearing off the cream from the first thigh, is rather difficult.

Either way, make certain you spread a nice, smooth layer around your entire thigh. Don't neglect the back.

Once you've finished both legs, waddle over to the sink, making certain not to touch anything with your legs or to brush them together, and wash your hands thoroughly with soap and hot water.

This first drying stage is critical. Most products recommend waiting "until dry" or fifteen minutes." In AskAnne's experience, a minimum of 30 minutes is required in Colorado's dry climate. Those of you living in more humid climates should resign yourselves to waddling about the house, upright (you can't sit down or you'll wind up with white splotches on the backs of your thigh and knees) and naked for 1-1/2 hour. Minimum.

Beauty is not for the faint of heart.

AskAnne also recommends doing this when you're home alone. The waddling part of the process leaves you open to mockery by unsympathetic householders.

Additional notes:

Before beginning, make certain you have books or magazines, and the remote for the television laid on some surface you can reach without kneeling. AskAnne also recommends a cold drink and some snacks. Nothing relieves tedium like snacks.

In summer, a fan can facilitate drying.

Once the required first stage of drying is complete, remember to spread a towel on your favorite chair before sitting down (carefully). Don't wriggle about, my dears. It isn't ladylike and, in spite of your drying cycle, it will wipe off the lotion. AskAnne recommends a "kitchen" or wooden chair, instead of an overstuffed sofa.

Eventually you will be thrilled to see yourself becoming darker. (You must check your legs every 30 minutes in a lot of light. AskAnne recommends standing by a sliding glass door, if you're not able to actually walk outside. Direct sunlight is best but as much natural light as you can get will have to do. Errors in application are unlikely to show up in natural light in time to correct them.)

Before you become too excited with your newly bronzed flesh, note that 75% of this color will wash off in the first shower. It requires, AskAnne estimates, a minimum of three consecutive days of application before a significant amount of color survives the bathing process. And daily reapplications to maintain the color.

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Seriously. Owing to a Significant Dispute between my company and the Major Client I normally spend my time working with, a "hold" has been placed on 95% of the stuff I used to do at work in a day. That was okay for the first week, I can goof off with the best of them, but this week it's getting old. I have, as you can tell, far too much time on my hands.

And I wonder...should I be worried that my boss today made a joke about me going on a job interview?