It should surprise no one to hear that I believe television next year is going to suck. When don't I hate the look of the new fall crop of shows?

Anyhow, most of you have already seen this, but I've done a bit of editing, added some more rude remarks, and decided to save it to check back at half-time and see how I'm scoring. Or, something. Sports metaphors really aren't my strong suit, okay?

ABC has these to offer:

That Was Then
This one revolves around a 30-year-old guy unsatisfied with his life who gets his wish to go back to one week of high school, when he believes his life took a wrong turn. I guess if they can get a season out of 24 hours, they can get a season out of a week. But what happens if it doesn't suck as badly as it looks like it will? Does he then have to go back and relive the prom where he didn't get laid? Will we see a third season about him frantically buying Clearsil and trying out different brands of pore-cleaning pads to cure that life-changing acne problem?

Midseason Replacement Threats

They're offering us Dragnet. Yep, they're remaking the classic, retooled for the "21st century." If Joe Friday isn't there, I'm not watching it. That's all.

Miracles
"Drama about a Vatigan [one presumes the futoncritic.com meant "Vatican"] investigator of the paranormal who after spending years debunking supposed miracles begins to losing his faith."

Some of you may remember that a couple of years ago, I made fun of a promo for a show called, Mysterious Ways - calling it, The X-Files meets Touched with an Angel. And it was, premise-wise.

But I was wrong because the show had heart, charm, interest, and a distinct feel all its own. (The network, surprised by the unexpected success of the show, is still trying to kill it by removing it from the schedule and then replacing it and then changing the airdate and time every week) But, past failures notwithstanding, I'm panning this one. I'm only including it on the list to pad out ABC's offerings.

Veritas

Action drama about a father-son archeology team a la the "Indiana Jones" film series. I've never heard of the actors, but the developers/producers list gave me a laugh. A guy with one season of one show under his belt (24), two guys with one movie to their credit (Tomb Raider), and Craig Zadan & Neil Meron -- best known for Brian's Song and Life With Judy Garland.

Yeah, that's the list of names I'd want associated with an action/adventure show about archeology. In any case, we're already getting, Relic Hunter on some channel and I'm thinking that one sucky Indiana Jones ripoff is enough, right?

It's going to be sucky but I'm a sucker, so I'll probably try it. Sean Connery, I already miss you!

Otherwise in Development

Fame

Didn't they already do a television series based on that move? Well, they're doing another one.

Flashpoint
Centers on investigators at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. I'm sorry, guys. CSI made microscopes sexy, but it was a lightning strike. Forget it.

Nancy Drew
She's now a college freshman, a journalism major, and she fights crime in her spare time!

CBS has its own list of contenders.

Still Standing
I refuse to promote a show about a guy who sells toilets. The jokes are already stinking.

CSI - Miami

Well, we all knew this. They debuted the concept in CSI's season-ender this year. I wasn't impressed with the cast and probably won't be watching this one, in spite of my devotion to the original CSI. Also, for those who care, David Caruso is looking seriously ragged. Like sixty, maybe seventy year-old ragged.

Without A Trace
will probably sink the same way. A drama that "centers on a division of the F.B.I. that focuses solely on missing persons" is going to go nowhere fast after fans finish tearing their televisions apart following The X-Files show-ending disaster.

Stars Anthony Lapaglia (Frasier, Murder One), a guy whose name always looks familiar to me, but I have no idea who he is.

Hack
This is, and I quote exactly, the description we were given of this one:
"drama about a former cop who works as a taxi driver after losing his job as a policeman for being on the take and helps people solve their problems and fight injustice while trying to win back his son and wife, who left him when he was fired"

I think they named it after the writer.

Life Of The Party
Comedy about a one-time tv star who lands on a much bigger stage in Washington when he wins a seat in Congress. Why might this be funny? Stars Nathan Lane.

I love the guy and I think he could be brilliant on episodic television. It's a shame he's having trouble finding a concept that works. Or, you know, costars who can act. Or writers who can write.

Jo
About a veterinarian who moves to North Carolina from Manhattan, where she joins her mom's practice. I mention this one only because it's been a long time since I had an opportunity to announce that I loathe Andie Macdowell, and I do.

Also --

So far, although I haven't been tagging them all, I've seen about five new series set in Miami, and either two or three new cop shows about the LAPD. And three, I think, set in Nevada. It's too bad this is such a small country and there are so few, original locations to set a new show.

Also I can't believe no one is doing a show about four teenagers in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir who solve mysteries with the kindly advice and help of their ancestors.

NBC is threatening to bring us:

Good Morning, Miami
which "centers on an ambitious, driven man focused on a tv career who takes over the lowest-rated morning show in the country as executive producer, a decision that turns out to be his salvation." (What ever happened to just finding Jesus?)

The the real kiss of death comes from the participation of Tessie Santiago, who was last seen sinking without a life raft in Queen of Swords. The two guys from Will and Grace who quit that show to develop this one shouldn't have.

American Dreams
Mind-boggling. A "period drama that traces the evolution of a family from Camelot to Watergate using vintage footage from American Bandstand."

I beg your pardon? A "period drama" from the sixties, in other words, since I'm assuming the Camelot reference refers to the Kennedy presidency and not the reign of the quasi-mythical Arthur.

If you needed any other reason to skip this one, previous working titles were Miss American Pie and Our Generation. Not surprisingly, Dick Clark is one of the guys producing.

Boomtown
A "drama which looks at a cross-section of a city's legal, criminal and journalistic communities."

Could they have made that sound any more boring? Everyone connected with this one seems to have come from a gritty cop drama or Band of Brothers. Except for one lost fool who came from the sitcom Spin City.

Run! Run!

Midseason Replacement Threats

Kingpin
This one's a drama that "follows a drug lord and his mexico-based trafficking operation." If you look down, you'll see the bottom of the barrel very close to you.

Otherwise Threatening

There's more, yes. They're redoing Fantasy Island except for this time they'll be doing it as a "reality" series and really making people's fantasies come true. With the same hook that the original show had, people aren't always going to like what they get.

Another show features a young couple moving in with her parents. Called, imaginatively enough, The In-Laws. Ha. Ha. Because the world really needs a situation comedy about people having sex while they worry about whether or not her father can hear them.

Another guy gets a series (and a job) where he's supposedly ghost-writing a column for a supermodel. "Stupid Talks". No, that's not the name of it, but it's not bad, is it?

Lost in Space is being recreated, featuring an entirely new family being lost. Without the robot, what's the point? Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!

My Three Sons is being recreated as, My Three Daughters with Chevy Chase. I love Chevy Chase but I'll be skipping this one.

Romeo Fire is going to offer us an ensemble comedy centering on a group of firefighters in a small town that has not had a fire for a long time. I guess we get to see them playing bridge and polishing their hoses. Heh.

The idea with the biggest loser stamp on it might be Rerun. "The basic premise of the show was presented on futoncritic.com as: "using the original script, actors re-create -- usually line for line -- a well-known episode of a half-hour comedy from the [C]olumbia [T]ristar library."

I'm still working on deciphering that sentence, never mind seeing the point.

I'll spare you the rest of the threatened schedule. Believe it or not, this is the cream of this particular network's crop.

Let's hope syndication offers more hope than the networks this year.

We'll start with The WB, okay?

Hmmm...we've got a made-from-a-comic-book series about three female crime fighters (with, I don't doubt, superpowers and supertits). Set in Nevada, of course.

A remake of Family Affair (I wonder if Mrs. Beasley will be resurrected?) starring Tim Curry in the Mr. French role. Hmmmm I like Tim Curry, but I don't think I'll be seeing him in this.

Do Over which is yet another show where a guy goes back to relive his high school years and am I the only one who finds something creepy in this whole "grown man pretending to be a teenager lusting after 16 year-old girls" concept?

Another show about a hip, cool columnist. Yawn.

The Lone Ranger is being remade. Why? (I never heard of the actors, but it's certainly a slash-intensive set-up.)

And apparently they're sending someone new to Oz. The Land Of, I mean. A "twentyish woman" winds up in OZ, can't escape, and leads a revolt against the Emerald City. Yeah, I remember that happening in the books.

And, to end it as badly as this list deserves to be ended, The WB is also developing a "variety show" set in the world of skateboarding.

Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

How about UPN?

They have anything to offer?

Hmmm...a man "dies" for five minutes and when he's resurrected, he's haunted by ghosts who help him solve crimes.

Another man inherits a wristwatch that apparently confers superpowers on him.

In more promising news, Janet Evanovich's mystery series starring Stephanie Plum is being made into a series. I doubt it's any good (I'm discouraged), but it might be worth a try. Although that kind of Jersey, wisecracking attitude is probably more amusing on the page than onscreen. I mean, call me prejudiced, but I don't want to listen to a lot of Jersey accents for an hour every week, okay?

Moving along to FOX....

Fast Lane
is described as a contemporary spin on Starsky and Hutch and Miami Vice. It's a buddy show. What else could it be? Slash heaven! Featuring Bill Bellamy and Peter Facinelli, neither of whom I know but I'll probably be trying this one. Not with a lot of hope, but I'll be trying it. I loved those boys and their hot, red car!

Firefly
I missed the start of the Joss Whedan ride with the Buffy parade, but I think I'll be trying his new show. I mean, I like science fiction and the idea of a small, rag-tag crew of survivors of a galatic war doing anything they can to survive has familiar elements, but this show already has an impressive pedigree.

Eastwick
is "based on the John Updike novel and film of the same name". Don't we have enough witches on television right now? Can this concept survive without the amusing scenery-chewing of Jack Nicholson? I think not.

John Doe
is a "drama about an amnesiac who mysteriously washes ashore and realizes he knows everything knowable in the world except the truth about who he is".

I'll bet he knows which show is going to top the Jump the Shark contest next season.

The Time Tunnel
is a remake of the 1966 science fiction show about a couple of government scientists on a project that allows them to travel through time.

I know there are a ton of remakes every season, but doesn't it seem to you that this coming season is particularly barren of original ideas?

In desperation, I turn to PAX, America's Family Channel and I wonder how much it cost them to buy that slogan from Ted Turner? No, his was "America's Team" for the Atlanta Braves.

Still. Let's see what's up with this network.

Young Blades
A drama that, "introduces a new generation of musketeers." If these guys are over 18, I'm there for it when this show starts in November. I've always had my suspicions about those Musketeers! All that lace....