Since I had the Sinus Infection From Heck, I've been coughing a little so it didn't surprise me when I had a coughing fit while drying my hair this morning. What did surprise me was when I realized that the hacking was caused by my hair dryer which had commenced smoking.

I'm not accustomed to appliances that threaten to burst into flame. I mean, an outdoor grill is prone to the odd flare-up when enticed by an excess of meaty juices, but hair dryers are normally more sedate.

Anyhow. I had to finish drying my hair with a little travel-sized dryer that I keep around for emergencies (fire!) and it was loud and obnoxious. And not very good, so I'm having a bad hair day.

So, on the way to work I decided I'd better do something about those two front tires that have been looking a little low for the last week or two, so I pulled into a handy service station and planted my car firmly in front of the air compressor thingy.

Knowing that nothing, not even air, is free any more, I took the precaution of digging out a quarter but although the note on the front of the machine assured me that cold cash would be demanded before any product was delivered, I was unable to find an orifice (do machines have orifices?) willing to accept my money.

There was a little, red button on the front of the machine and while I'm not normally inclined to push unidentified red buttons, associating the color red with danger, I finally gave it a poke just to see what would happen.

Nothing.

I waited a few seconds and gave it another shove. Voila! Air!

Unfortunately when I applied the little metal thingy at the end of the hose to the little metal thingy I'm certain is used to insert air into the tire, a disconcerting reverse-inflation process took place. In fact, the longer and harder I applied the one little metal thingy to the other little metal thingy, the lower my tire got.

Because I'm stubborn, and don't learn very quickly, I proceeded to the other side of the car and tried the same experiment on the low tired there. Same result. Hmmm.

Fortunately, since I'm stupid but not terminally so, I did give up the experiment soon enough to ensure there was enough pressure in the tires to roll me toward work.

When I asked Alvin if he thought it was possible that that silver triggery looking thing on the hose had to be squeezed in order to force air into the tire instead of the opposite, he just laughed at me. (I'd have tried it at the time, being in an experimental sort of mood, but the idea didn't occur to me until I was ten blocks away from the service station.)

Some days this whole liberation thing is kind of a swindle. Twenty years ago if I'd asked a guy a question like that, he'd have taken my keys and driven my car off so that he could air up the tires himself.

Of course, maybe that kind of thing happened because I was twenty years younger then.

Anyhow, we'll pass over the experience of my work day except to point out that it's a good thing we've already decided to alter our business model because I received proof-positive today that the original model was a waste of time.

On the way home, armed with the knowledge that you do, indeed, have to squeeze the silver trigger thingy (I gave up and e-mailed a female friend to ask her), I stopped at yet another service station.

Grasping my little quarter firmly, I unscrewed those (really) filthy, dirty little caps from the tires' metal thingies. Glancing at the hose I saw that it lacked a silvery trigger thingy, but I wasn't completely married to the idea of having the experience so that's okay.

Reading the instructions on the machine (it did not want a quarter), I was told to see the attendant for...something. I went inside and was presented with not one but two metal rod thingies.

Not being, as I said before, terminally stupid, I did recognize one of the rods as one of those thingies you use to see how much air is in your tire.

The other was a mystery, but re-reading the instructions on the machine, I realized I had to attach it to the hose in order to make the air come out.

Didn't snap in. Didn't screw in. Wouldn't stay on all by itself. I finally determined that you have to yank the neck of the metal piece on the hose up and then slide the rod in and then let go of the neck and it holds the rod in.

Words cannot do justice to the distinctly pornographic nature of the process.

Especially at the point during the process when the rod popped off of the hose as a consequence of me handling it a bit too roughly.

The next time my tires need air, I'm buying new tires.

Note: Someone who is smarter, younger, smarter, more attractive, more generous, and just generally more wonderful than I am is helping me get comments! I have to go do some errands and then write her some groveling thanks and then I'll get to have Adventures In HTML this weekend!