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Just because you don't write fanfic

Doesn't mean your writing doesn't suck like a Hoover. I have a friend (I do!) who has a business acquaintance who recently had a book published. This man, let's call him Elmer, asked my friend for her opinion of the book. Not being a fan of mysteries, she bought the book but asked me to read it for her, so that she could give Elmer the requested feedback.

Sucks. Like. A. Hoover.

No, it sucks like a jet engine.

I've read some published crap in my day but this book, clearly put into print by one of those, "pay us and we'll make your manuscript into a real book!" organizations is outstanding in that area.

POV shifts, tense shifts, typographical errors, grammatical incoherence, you name it and Elmer offers us multiple examples.

The plot stinks too. The point of a mystery is that the reader has to try and figure out whodunit among a wilderness of red herrings and false clues, right? I love mysteries because I ain't smart. I never figure out whodunit or why they dunnit until the detective explains it to me.

I didn't have that trouble this time around since Elmer offered us the most linear plot I've seen in any novel in years, much less in a mystery. You know who is going to die, to survive, where the crucial piece of evidence is hidden, and who is behind the murder from the second each character or event is introduced.

The entire novel (and I use the word loosely) is an example of how not to do it. He tells and tells and tells what's happening with only intermittent lapses into actually writing or "showing" the story.

The characters are largely two-dimensional and unconvincing, especially the detective. (The only exception is the baddest of the bad guys whose description would have led me to believe, had I not been assured otherwise, that the author was, (a) gay; and, (b) in lust with his bad guy.)

I've got about 20 pages left. Tonight's chore is to wade through the resolution and then come up with two or three paragraphs my friend can use to send feedback to the hopeful author.

Herein lies a moral dilemma. I am constitutionally incapable of saying that a piece of writing doesn't suck if it does. Friends have long since ceased to show me their writing, knowing that any minor, trivial lapse from perfection on their part will result in a scathing denunciation of their heritage and habits on mine.

Okay, maybe I'm not that bad, but if something isn't well-written from my perspective, I don't say that it is. Not even those who know I love them can rely upon that love to protect them.

What can I tell this friend to tell Elmer?

"The lyrical description of the assassin was well-done. Do you dream about this man?"

"It was interesting to see a male writer offering a scene where his character was incapable of an erection. Did this serve some deeper purpose in the novel that escaped me?"

"It was refreshing to read a mystery novel that didn't sidetrack the reader with all of those dead-end clues but just went straight to the point."

"So, what is your native language?"

I'm not good at beta reading but at least when friends ask me to read their stories, I can be reasonably certain they haven't committed heinous sins against the English language. Strangers who ask me and won't be persuaded to go away deserve what they get.

I annotated the book copiously as I went through it (it was the only way I could get through it), trying to work off some of my bile before it came to the "feedback" point. I guess we'll see tonight, after I finish and sit down to make a few kind notes, won't we?

I'll be back later on the subject of Escapade.

(I'm feeling smug. I didn't mention Spike BtVS even once, notice?)