That's Entertainment?

Okay, this one was inspired, if that's the word, by a discussion of what a friend thinks of as the defining Christmas movie.

A Christmas Story -

It's set in the forties, and it concerns a little boy who wants an air rifle for Christmas, his brother who refuses to eat unless he can eat like a pig, their father, a foul-mouthed tyrant who does battle with the furnace and wins a leg lamp through a crossword puzzle contest, and his long-suffering wife.

This is not my idea of a Christmas movie, okay?

We were granted the opportunity to see the "new" (made-for-TV in 2002) Muppet Christmas movie a week or so ago. It was . . . mean-spirited to a surprising degree. Very surprising for a Muppet movie. About the time Kermit bit Miss Piggy's head off for speaking to him, I knew we were in trouble. Ten minutes later, we turned it off.

Again, not my idea of perfect holiday entertainment.

(From whence comes this insertion of meanness into the holidays? Must be an offshoot of "compassionate conservatism" or something. Certainly has all the earmarks of "say one thing and do another" that marks most compassionate conservative actions.)

(Well, obviously I was going to blame George Bush who let the terrorists win by sticking to his extremist buddies with their selfish and egotistical agendas instead of doing what the country actually needed in order to recover economically and spiritually, but this post isn't about that.)

What's my idea of a proper Christmas movie?

White Christmas - But of course. A simple, sweet movie with pretty songs and talented enough actors to give me performances I enjoy watching over and over. Crosby, Kaye, and Clooney offered all of this and more. Plus which, I think a few moments where we wallow in sentimentalism go down nicely in a holiday film. Possibly my #1 favorite Christmas movie ever.

A Christmas Carol - The Muppet version, okay? In the first place, I have a major passion for Michael Caine. In the second place, I have a major passion for Dickens. In the third place, this was the first Muppet movie I ever saw. (Well, I saw them filming part of a Muppet television special or something at the Maroon Bells (Aspen, Colorado) one day, but I'd never seen Muppets before at that time and, other than being amused by watching the one shaped like a pig riding a horse, it didn't make much of an impact on me.) Anyhow. I love this movie. Wouldn't be Christmas without it any more. (I watched it last night.)

The Santa Clause - A recent production and probably the first Tim Allen performance I ever saw, I was actually very surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.

It's a Wonderful Life - No surprises here, right? A classic. (Yes, I understand that new Muppet Christmas movie is a take-off on this concept, but the remake lacked the sweetness and charm of the original. As so often happens with remakes. Anyhow, everyone and their pet fish has done a take-off on the concept of this movie, so it was tired before they even started.) Jimmy Stewart's performance is what makes this movie work. If ever there was a case of perfect casting, this was it.

Christmas in Connecticut - The Barbara Stanwyck version, of course. Another "classic" and one I always look forward to seeing. It's funny and sentimental and a good example of the best kind of movie-making from the era.

And let's not forget the world of animation. How the Grinch Stole Christmas and A Charlie Brown Christmas and Rudolph and Frosty all qualify. Babes in Toyland (early 60s) is one I haven't seen in a while, but I remember loving it when I was young.

What's most emphatically not a Christmas movie?

Well, I saw previews for something called, "Bad Santa" the other day. Everything about the concept was guaranteed to make me stay home from the theatre, from the title to the clips of the "bad" Santa.

Ditto for "Elf" which, in spite of a friend telling me it really was a good children's movie, looked both stupid and mean-spirited. I don't have any kids, so I'll be spared the ordeal of sitting through it.

Nothing involving anyone named, "Butthead" or featuring one of those flash-in-the-pan cartoon characters who revolve in and out of popularity so quickly these days.

I like the same things I like in a regular movie, splashed with a little tear-inducing sentimentality. I tend to like holiday movies from the 40s, 50s, and 60s because they were about the best of people, whereas many of today's offerings seem determined to explore the dumbest, or worst sides of people.

Today's movies aren't content with merely illustrating the vices that we all accept we possess. No, they can't just refer to these things, they seem determined to wallow in them. Most of a really good holiday movie should be about making you happy, not just the last three minutes of screen time. Today's holiday movies, like most of today's movies, think they can balance two hours of disaster with a few seconds of redemption. Good storytelling just doesn't work that way.