This is normally the time of year I'd start posting synopsis (synopses?) of the shows under development for next year, but the crop currently in production sucks to such a major extent that I suggest you save your pennies, buy the West Wing and Firefly DVDs, not to mention the X-Files and Highlander ones, if you're still in those moods (and don't forget to order yourself the soon-to-be-released Starsky & Hutch DVDs) or Queer As Folk or Danger Man and let me further add that you should buy as many of these as you can scrape pennies for because there ain't gonna be nothing worth watching next year.

Don't forget, you heard it here, first.

If you're incredibly masochistic, you can choose between such jewels as these:

Pretending to be dramatic

primetime soap described as "knot's landing" meets "american beauty" in which the sexy, amoral, insidious, and incredibly secretive lives of the inhabitants of a neighborhood cul-de-sac

drama about an m.i.t. mathematician who's enlisted by the f.b.i. to help solve crimes

a one-hour serial drama that takes place at a luxury hotel on hawaii's big island where the international elite stay and revolves around the hotel's twentysomething employees and how they handle relationships among themselves and with the wealthy hotel guests

drama follows a group of people stuck on a pacific island and forced to build a new society after surviving a plane crash

Unfunny comedy:

comedy about a mismatched couple who wind up permanently linked after their blind date results in an unexpected pregnancy

comedy deals with a free-spirited, new york-based wedding planner who leads a wilder lifestyle than her kid

animated family comedy that focuses on stan, a right-leaning c.i.a. agent; his wife; their two kids, including a liberal daughter; a housebound alien named roger; and a french-speaking goldfish

animated series based on the comic strip ... about a young kid and his gangsta wannabe brother who move from the inner city to their out-of-touch grandfather's home in the suburbs

primetime cgi cartoon about a family of white lions who work as performers in the las vegas act of illusionists siegfried & roy

I'm not sure which of those scares me more.

In "funny moments," we find historical drama that chronicles the power struggle in rome following the murder of julius caesar in 44 b.c.; also referred to as "teranus" and "taranus". Gosh, I wonder why they decided on "Empire" instead of something-anus? Heh.

And why are we getting not only that, but " the saga of two ordinary roman soldiers and their families in 51 b.c." Did a craze for ancient history sweep the country without me noticing it? And if they wanted to do stuff like this, why didn't they do something intelligent like adapting Saylor's books? (Actually, they combine the ancient history with detecting and a fair amount of sexual innuendo, so they'd meet two of the criteria most of next year's shows seem to be meeting.)

In "dumbest descriptions" we find, "an irreverent dramedy about a very unconventional family" and " a half-hour sitcom about a romance between an unlikely couple."

We're going to be graced with not one but two shows where undercover cops go back to high school pretending to be students. A show about a NY firefighter stalking his ex-wife. Two "medical crime-fighter" dramas. And a show about god and satan duking it out just before Armageddon, and gosh who do you think is gonna win? It's a more appealing concept than, "a sprawling "dallas"-like soap opera set in the world of wealthy televangelists" anyhow.

I tried to pick the "most offensive show concept" but I couldn't decide.

comedy which focuses on the colorful employees at grammaw's home cookin, a chain restaurant

That's pretty obnoxious, but no. This has to be the winner:

life is too short ... reality series that will track the trio as they live together in a san fernando valley home that's been specially built to accommodate their size"

In sheer desperation, I page back through the site, looking to see if anyone whose acting I trust, or at least anyone I've ever heard of is in any of these or connected with the production.

John Corbett is in one of the hotel ones, but I think I'll pass anyhow.

The CSI people are, naturally, involved in the new CSI spinoff. Pass.

Mel Gibson and Aaron Spelling are both involved with the show where a kid lands his dream gig as batboy for the Yankees. Nope.

A couple of Seinfeld people are involved with some boring-looking comedy. Yawn.

Kelsey Grammer and others are producing a variety show. Concept doesn't appeal to me.

Lisa Kudrow will be the voice of some character on an animated show. Ditto John Goodman on a different show. Neither motivates me.

Ivan Sergei is in some show about detectives in Hawaii. Magnum for the 21st century, I guess. I'm momentarily tempted....

Rob Reiner is producing some boring-looking comedy about a family full of psychiatrists.

Alyson Hannigan is doing a comedy about sibling dorks.

In "telefilm/miniseries" land, we see they're remaking Footloose for some insane reason that no doubt made sense to some idiot with more money than brain cells. They're also doing some kind of "docudrama" all out about cool Dynasty was when it was on the air. As if that wasn't bad enough, they're remaking Fame and Grease, too.

Television is really starting to cannibalize itself, isn't it?

I've saved myself a lot of trouble. I'll just have them take the cable service out and save myself some money, too.

But wait...a brief flash of interest. They're actually turning A Wrinkle In Time into a movie.

Hmmm.

(* As always, your mileage may vary.)